Happy father's day LOATHE

I had a dream, while I was with this guy, let's call him "Loathe". That he slept with a witchy looking old woman and it breaks my heart. I guess some of my dreams are coming true. One of my darkest fear: Seeing him with another girl when we're totally through. He was, I really don't know, my Fubu or Boyfriend or whatever. But I guess I got some peculiar hypertensive feeling when I'm with him and whenever we're together. I can't tell if love exist, but he said he does. I still can't tell if I do. I almost (might've) love?? him, but barriers do exist.
-i still haven't got the idea that he is still with "D'MOM", mom of his daughter when he pushed my life to him.
-HIS MOM AND SISTERS got a fishy look on me, because they are devoted with "d'mom" for him. they hate me.
-he still isn't over "NASTY BITCH".
-MY MOM knew that he got kids already. She is not in favor of him for me.

Barriers, reasons why I am not fully happy when we're together when we're supposed to be. Yes, he got STD. That's one thing I can't accept. Great thing I'm cured already.

But personally, whoever you are, as long as I LOVE? you, I will accept you for who you are. But barriers are inevitable. I can't be hated by his family forever while I'm in the artists' world. I can't be talked by the town being known that I was with him when he is still with "D'MOM" at the same time. I was a thief, I know, without my knowledge of his real status. After knowing the truth, that starts the misery of hurting my heart. I admit, I grew unexplainable feelings for him. From that; hurt, hatred and vengeance rooted and starts to vast. I could've a farm of sadness, pain, lust, hatred, love, etc.
I admit, I could've loved you,"Loathe" but without barriers maybe.
Why do you have to keep "D'mom" when you would want me?
You could even talk to my mom decently, why didn't you do it when we're together before?
Why do you have to stick with nasty bitch where you got your STD worse is HIV?
Why do you have to take my heart when you can't even handle it?
You have irrational reasons that attempted me to leave you but you would let me go. Why do you have to keep this illegal relationship long, that you know in the end would hurt me?
Do you find happiness by hurting every woman on earth?
Yes, when D'mom left you. You are here with me, but still nasty bitch doesn't stay out of your life. You even fought for her. Is she the best fuck that you ever had?
LOVE, LUST, AND PAIN... with a total of LOATHE.
Reason why I left you.
Recently I might be regretting. I shouldn't have let you go.
But when I didn't, should you change?
Would things go out right or even worse?
Consequences are so unpredictable.
Is there any feelings left?
I don't deserve another slap from you, Loathe.
You should've thought of your daughter first.
I was sweet and very friendly when you haven't been in my peaceful life.
I never had war before. All I love is music and arts. And that's where you are as well married at right?
Yes, I badly miss you: your care, your hugs, your kiss, your fuck. But how about the countless fights? my guilt to my mom and your family, that I want you to fix, but you can't?
I left you first because I can sense that our feelings is dying. I can see that you still miss "d'mom". I left you so you could fix your life and become a good dad to your daughter. But I guess you can't do anything bout it.

Again, I almost LOVED you. I know you need someone who could be there for you, who you can talk to and be your lover and friend forever. But the barriers are so strong that it complicates our bond. I can't be an icon of your lust to your friends. I don't wanted to be the recycle bin of your sperms. You may or may not have loved me, but I am not the kind of girl that you can take home.

Alright, I accept the fact now. I had several thoughts of leaving you, begging for my freedom. And now I guess, this is the reward that I asked from you, Loathe. Thanks for your new witch bitch for taking my burden away. Though I can see that the crowd is not against your relationship, they even liked it. Though I can see that you can take her home because her mom isn't aware and concerned of where she will be. I'm glad to have someone proud of you, Loathe. I guess you just got the perfect type of girl for you. I know my mom should've known you better for her to like you, but you are not that brave to face her. You should've fixed things with d'mom and your family, i know you still can't leave her unless she'll leave you. I could've loved you but the world is against us... and you, Loathe, can't do anything/everything to fight against the world for us.

I guess, I had realized the reason why I shouldn't be with you. I eventually knew, it wasn't love after all. It was a game that I should know. You were never mine, I was never yours. Who falls first, lose. Who leaves last, wins. I guess you win, Loathe. But I got the reward I was wanting when I'm wih you: FREEDOM.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY LOATHE

sebastian bach

yesterday at 2am, i was in the middle of searching about this legendary hard metal rockstar, sebastian bach. just had found how great his name was when he wa yet the frontman of the band Skidrow. yep, lot of power ballad fanatics agreed how he made skidrow popular during his time being it's vocalist.
years gone by, after being fired at 1996 from his former band, he created his own album with another band-mates. recently, after 20 years in music industry, he was up to making performance in broadway and country rock. there were a lot of changes on bach nowadays. would his fans approve of his transformation? well, he's still on the rock at 40 ears of age. well, yesterday, i was watching from youtube one his performance which was taken last 2008. bach still rocks with his belting voice. yet, of course his teenage voice still hits the top. if you could remember, skidrow's song 'I Remember YOU', which is really my favorite, topped the prom dance american chart before, around 80's or 90's. skidrow is yet a big name that time. recently, their are lots of changes on the band members and well, definitely, it would sound bit far from what we're hearing before at bach's time. well, personally, skidrow is best when bach was still on the band. but his separation? for me, it was quite hard starting a new genre for him. making himself put into the country rock. it doesn't sound like him. but now... since he's turning 21 this 2009, he might not be reaching those high notes he's doing at earlier age.
well, yeah, he's 40, but he still look good, though he was near my uncles' and father's looks. he as well got this collaboration with axl rose of guns n roses, their teaming up is quite good, but i can sense bach's adoratio with axl. personally, it piss' me off seeing him making pasep-sep with him. but i still like bach's voice. yesterday, i'd watched this interview on sebastian bach too. the interviewer asked him if there would be a possibility that skidrow and seb bach could have a reunion... well, bach replied with 'well maybe you can just see us having a reunion in a video game, or maybe a virtual reunion, yeah'. hahaha... yeah, it made me laugh. quite a dream impossibly to come true. well, if there would really be a virtua; reunion, i possibly could fly up to where it would be happening. yeah, just to see seb bach and the rest playing 'Wasted Time', 'I Remember You', et cetera.
generally, skidrow wouldn't have been the blasting skidrow without sebastian bach. and the recent year? sebastian bach being into the country rock, was not the original sebastian bach i've seen performing with the thunder of screams before. i still love the real sebastian bach. the skidrow band? they changed some band members. come on. how will it sound like skidrow with another band member. both sebastian bach's (and his new band, on tour called Angel Down Under) and new skidrow is still performing, but on different events this year. well, of course it doesn't sound like the way we use to hear. but then, that's just like life, everything changes. even individuals changes, how much more on theband. so, if you failed on the other thing, nove on with your own thing, just the way sebastian bach started with his own. though it doesn't really sound like him. the real ones maybe the best, but as long as your happy with the new ones. sooner, later, everyone may try to accept it too, the way you do.
=)

from yana's hands

Artworks in general don’t have a precise explanation unless the artist itself is the ones to speak of it. Personally, these artworks are creations out of the mere feelings or self-expression the artist have for the entire day, week, or something that pushes them to create such work, the way I do. Yes, it doesn’t really need a diploma to certify you as an artist. As long as you could sublime your feelings and playful hand on the surface or on any work of art, which of course appreciated by many. Also, your work doesn’t just benefit yourself, but as well its ability to show others who you are inside.

Visually my work looks dark and may look like mourn in it, precisely it shows shadows and silhouettes and don’t forget the sunset which may look melancholic. Well, it’s kind of emotional; it just that people may think I’m that emo. Personally, everyone is emotional. It just that they don’t show it off in there looks, but they could just play it out with the way they live. Actually, in my dark-impressioned works, they doesn’t generally show sorrow, they might as well show revenge, happiness, enlightenment, love, hatred, sympathy; in general, they are feelings. My works, are like my diary, they show the real me. It’s like that; I’m bit of impressionist with how it shows. The episodes of my life are closely shown in its output. Maybe just like other painters who live and died with the way they show the world of who they are inside and what they feel.

I believed that in every piece, there’s a meaning behind every detail. Why the sunset appears in this side, why the guitar is blue and not red. Well, there are special stories behind that. And in this approach, this maybe, makes an artist interesting (a friend of mine said when he ones asked me of a single artwork). And in return, I was left soundless. I couldn’t even think that he could dig deep on that work which I seriously did out of what I felt. This may be a chance of how artists could express themselves and shout out what they’re hiding inside. There isn’t any secrets at all in every artists they show it off with their imaginative mind and playful hands.

beneath delirium

yung babaeng anorexic jan. ang position... parang nka crossed legged at crossed arm. my pinoprotectahang ego... syempre yung pagkababe nya... mejo ako yan. syempre... nung mejo na-depress ako sa lokong to. pumayat ako. hehe...

wala ka bang nkikitang gitara jan?

mejo yan yung common samin e. ang gitara...

preho kming mhilig s music...

but behind nang gitarang yan... my nkita kang shadow ng lalki di ba, which is my resemblance nman talaga yung shadow tsaka yung lalaki ko nun sa painting na lalaki? tapos my red horse sa baba... parang sinusunug... kasi parang sinusunug ko yung past na kay pait... tinalikuran ko na... nakatalikud nman ang babaeng anorexic sa fire. di ba? at nkaharap yung babae sa greener or more colorful na part, which is the better life ng (sabi mo di ba) which is dapat yung PRIORITIES... pag-aaral, et cetera...kahit na mapaluha ka pa sa remnants... bsta sa ikabubuti moh... yung music notes? syempre again. music yun... ang cherry at lips jan? resemblance yan sa kantang cherry lips ng garbage... ang red cross jan? syempre, nursing ako eh... tposlibro, career ang meaning nyan pare. hehe... ang Dx na nkasulat... diagnosis yan... maraming diagnosis masasabi mo pag may sakit ka e. lalo na sa heart... ganun yung meaning nyan...

kaya nga pag-before akong matutulog... nkatingin ako dito, nawawala pagod ko, kasi parang nkatingin ako sa present at sa future nga... pra ma-isaisip kong kelangan bumangun kahit nasawi ka. ^_^

tama nman e. wala akong makukuwa kapag s dun lng ako makakatuluyan... my tinapos akong kurso, e sya wala... beer lng at yosi makayanan nun cguru... kaya kahit mawal mn sya sakin, at my iba n sya ngayun... tingnan ko n lng lahat ng kabutihang nagawa ko s sarili ko. at dapat mahalin ko more yung sarili ko... parang mature thinking noh. hehe. ganun lng ^_^